Friday, March 8, 2013


Still harping on about things ... When AJ and I were in London many years ago we were in the early throes of planning our future. Neither of us had a clue about any of the practical matters involved, but we had a gut instinct that setting up house together required some sort of infrastructure. Like furniture. Kitchen stuff. Bath towels.

My mother-in-law, bless her wise and understanding heart, realised that we were babes in the wood and gave us an amazing book – a huge heavy tome, a sort of "housekeeping for dummies". Half of it contained really basic cooking advice like how to boil potatoes and make toast. The other half had hundreds of useful household hints about such quaint mysteries as stain removal and darning, instructions on how to iron shirts and fold them afterwards, and six useful things to do with nail polish including stopping a ladder in a stocking.

She also suggested that we visit the Ideal Home Exhibition, a vast emporium glittering with the latest of everything for the house and garden. There we were mesmerised by a snake-oil salesman with a slick patter that had us lining up eager to buy one of each of what he was showing us: an apple-corer, a crinkle-cut chip slicer and a knife sharpener.

Since those days we have fallen for a variety of much more sophisticated gadgets. For a while they took up space, they whizzed and whirred, they rumbled, buzzed and rattled, and then they were put away in the toy cupboard. We have had a yoghurt maker of incredibly stupid design; an electric chip fryer which taught us that cooking anything in hot oil was an unpleasant experience; a pressure cooker that I always expected to blow up; an electric coffee percolator that didn't percolate the coffee but just brought it to the boil before turning itself off; another coffee maker that hissed importantly but spat out only luke-warm coffee.

I resisted buying a bread-maker because I liked making dough by hand, but AJ kept on about it and in the end said he'd make the damn bread. So he did. He got bored though, and up went the bread-maker into the toy cupboard, to join the coffee grinder, a couple of stove-top espresso percolators, and a battery operated mini-whisk that barely turns cream let alone soup. But we didn't fall for a ridiculous plastic thingy designed to make hard boiled egg-peeling easier. I mean, how much easier can it be? Just crack it and slip the shell off. We finally learned that the best thing is to ignore anyone, especially on television, who says "but wait ... there's more!"

Thoreau got it right. He said that "our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end." Nearly everything in the toy cupboard has been given away. But what is still here in the kitchen drawer? An apple-corer and a knife sharpener.


  1. I love your writing style!! you always make me identify an,d usually,laugh

  2. Well thank you Heather - I aim to please - and amuse if possible. I forgot to mention the juice extractor which always clogged up with bits of carrot, and the leaf sucker/blower that made a lot of noise but ...